Controlling the tongue (Part 1 of 4)

A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.

In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.

A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.

Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed.

The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.

What exactly are these verses in Proverbs talking about?  When do we expose to others what is on our hearts, and when do we hold back?  In this age of facebook and other social media, it is extremely easy to get carried away and share your feelings with the world at large.  It is very tempting because we were created to crave connection with others, and it feels good to share what is important to us or what is on our minds at the moment, and get validation from others.  But is this always healthy or wise?  When and how much should we share, and with whom?  What sort of boundaries should we set, and who can we really trust?  How much of our feelings should you share with someone we like?  Many of us wrestle with these questions and have shared too much in the past, or we may be afraid and hold back when we should speak.  Let’s sort through what the Bible has to say on the subject.

From the verses above, it is clear that we shouldn’t just spout off everything that pops into our brains.  Instead, it paints a picture of a wise man considering his thoughts and speaking at the right time and in the right way.  Words have the power to build up as well as destroy others.  Read James 3 for more on our words.  James 3:8 says, “No man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.”  But with God all things are possible, including taming the tongue.  So what are some of the benefits of learning to control the tongue?

First, putting a delay between our brain and mouth allows God to guide us and gives us time to process and collect more information and make better decisions.  Sometimes, we have such a small part of the picture that there’s no way we can figure out what’s going on.  It’s better to wait, pray, and watch things develop than to speak out of ignorance.  Mary was a good example of this when it mentions numerous times that she pondered events that took place in Jesus’ boyhood in her heart.  Note that it doesn’t say she went squawking to all the village gossips to figure out the situation.  Many times counsel from a trusted confidant can be helpful, but sometimes God leads us down a unique and lonely path that only we can walk and others won’t understand.  Even if He only shows you the next step to take, trust that He is leading you to a good place and will supply your every need.

The second benefit of being slow to speak and careful about what we say is that it can prevent us from hurting others.  It is easy to exaggerate circumstances in our minds and overreact in the heat of the moment.  We can then lash out and cause extensive damage.  This is especially true with the people we are closest with, since we know their vulnerabilities and target those areas, leading to a fight that escalates out of control (read The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley to learn more about this, as well as steps to break the cycle).  Part of this problem can be solved if you place more value on your most important relationships.  It’s sad that many people who would never allow themselves to lose control in a work environment routinely go berserk at home and think it’s no big deal.  Shouldn’t we give our best to our families?  Of course, that’s easy for me to say, since I don’t have a family to come home to yet.  Nonetheless, it’s true that your family will be much better off if you view them as your most important client and employ your best servant leadership to guide them, rather than just viewing home as a place to be lazy and superficial.

The last benefit of controlling the tongue I’ll mention now is that it can protect you as well.  When you share your thoughts and feelings with others, it gives them a certain amount of power over you.  This power is commensurate with how deep or important the feeling was that you shared.  For example, what you ate for breakfast today probably isn’t core to who you are, so it wouldn’t be a big deal to share that with everyone.  But things that go a bit deeper make you more vulnerable, so it’s wise to use caution with who you open yourself up to.  I’ll discuss this more in a future blog.

So why do words have this power to hurt?  Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, right?  We all know that’s not true.  The answer lies in the innate connection between our mouths and hearts.  I’ll explore this more in the next blog, then get to how we can apply what the Bible says (complete with examples from kayak shark fishing).